A Reflection

Here I sit, nestled into a comfy arm chair-esk contraption, (Love seat I believe they’re called) laptop balanced on an unreliable metal tray table, various junk food piled at the side of me and a full bladder that I’m desperately trying to ignore.

As always with my writing on this blog, motivation comes when I have other priories I’m choosing to ignore. Currently that priority is a critical essay of a radio play I co-wrote and produced for my course. The due date is in a week, so I’ve plenty of time to write 1,500 words…right?

So here I am. The same place I’ve been for nearly six months now. University. That “Giant” leap I was terrified to take has actually turned out to be the best decision I’ve ever made. Now that I’m nearing the end of my first year (Boy has that gone fast!!) I feel it’s time to share with you my experience.

This year (That has not been an actual year) has been full of so many new experiences. I moved into a flat full of perfect strangers, of which are now three of my closest friends. I’ve met people who inspire me daily. Studying in London means that not only do I meet people from across this country but from all over the world. Italy, Norway, Portugal are but a few.

I’ve made friends, memories and mistakes but I wouldn’t change a thing. I am not the girl I used to be. Every day is moulding me into the future I want to become. Every person I meet teaches me things about myself and the world.

It’s been a steep learning curve moving out. Becoming self sufficient. Managing a budget. Laundry, cooking, organising myself. All of which I took for granted when it was my mum doing it all, but I’m so lucky to be living this life. I love my life. I love the city. I love caring for myself and standing up on my own two feet knowing that every day I get up and go about my life, I’m in control, I’m doing it by myself. All with a strong network of family and friends backing me yes, but its me.

Smile…It wont hurt you. πŸ™‚

 

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After the Credits

I returned to the place we shared our first date.

After all this time, it is not you that I hate.

I strolled along that picturesque bridge

And stared into the distance to the ridge.

I returned to the place you stole a kiss.

I’ll admit that is something I dearly miss.

I’d say it was the wind that brought tears to my eyes

But to you, my dear I could tell no lies.

I returned to this place to find my closure

The memories fill me, alas I’m no closer.

I know that it’s over, I need to move on.

My heart longs to hold you but you are long gone.

A “Critical” Analysis

I have happened across what I can only describe as a “critical” analysis of my ‘trade mark’ quote-

Smile…It wont hurt you

I say “critical” but really I’m quite fond of it. The comment reads as follows:

Smile, cry, scowl, it does not matter. Feel what you must feel in the darkest of nights and the brightest of days because darkness helps us appreciate the light.

-Buttercup.

I would give comprehensive credit to the author of the comment but I’m unsure whether he would like that. This blog has always been anonymous and I would like it to remain that way. Β If he reads this, He’ll know his own words. Thank you.

They mean a lot to me, not only for their origins but for their meanings too. I have no arguments against them and I believe rather than opposing my quote, they give it new depth. The comment highlights the importants of not repressing any emotion you may have. No matter the intensity, you should embrace any and all feelings you may have at all times. Never be afraid to feel. Emotions are one of the fundamental characteristics of being human. If you squash and ignore them, you are only ignoring your humanity. For a person that for a long time has tried to do the above, I know I will definitely be taking the advice on board. I plead you all (If you don’t already) do the same. For the sake of health and happiness.

But remember to still,

Smile…It wont hurt you πŸ™‚

 

New Year, New…No

“New year, New me” Scream the masses, as I cringe internally. The dawn of a new year is indeed a great time to re-think and re-evaluate both yourself and your life. (Regardless of the plain and simple fact that you can set new targets whatever time of year it may be) But with a fresh canvas spread before our eyes, who can blame us for using it as an excuse to change those little habits that we all wish we could finally kick.

It would seem that 2017 shall be the year that I re-introduce my monthly resolution scheme that I first did in…Here?Β (2013)

That was four years ago. Oh geez…well haven’t we have come full circle.

I will post my first resolution post shortly, in the meantime, Happy New Year and

Smile…It wont hurt you πŸ™‚

Good & Fond

When you find an essence that is so raw and pure that it is just plain good, how do you begin to put that into words?

“Good”- It sounds so average. Mediocre. ‘Good job’ Not excellent or brilliant or perfect. Just good. But that’s not what I mean at all.

He is good.

That is the only way to describe him.

But it’s not enough.

I don’t mean good in the plain old sense. I mean pure, not evil. Not threatening. Not manipulative or cruel. Just…good.

There is not a single ‘bad’ bone in that mans body. That I am near certain of.

I wont spout nonsense of me falling for him or of being in love, I’m not certain it’s that.

But I am fond of him.

I’m fond of his eyes and the way they shine for me. I’m fond of his smile that is as rare as true happiness. I’m fond of his body. The perfect curves and edges that make him seem to have been carved and crafted by a artistic prodigy. I’m fond of his hair and the way it feels when my hands run through it. I’m fond of his lips. How they can find mine in the dead of night, 4am and there he is wanting more.

I’m fond of his mind. Of how, broken it may be, it tries to mend my fragile own. I’m fond of him with his countless quirks. The way he laughs. The way he recklessly abandons his belongings on my floor just to climb back into bed with me, to hold me. I’m fond of his hands, how they fit perfectly and welcomed in mine.

I’m fond of his style, how although it’s far from my cup of tea, it’s him and couldn’t be more perfectly him.

I’m fond of the way in which he is fond of me.

I’m fond of him.

 

 

 

Fiction

There seems to be a heaviness in my chest that comes to form whenever my mind wonders back to you. Why do we punish ourselves in this way? The past is indeed in the past so why can we never let it rest there? Why must we dredge up the memories from the depths of our minds. Re-run the classic films stored for lonely nights and nostalgic days.

Each scene a dramatic blow to my heart.

Each line a sharp jab to the stomach.

This is no longer an extravagant dance for two. No more toing and froing of moves between us. In the past you would make your move and I would counter it. Now I watch from behind a screen, on the peripheral of your life. No longer am I the centre of your attraction. I wait in the shadows and watch you interact with someone new. I am but a mere memory. The faintest hint of what might have been. An insignificant facet of your life, your past. A notch, not on the belt or bedpost but rather somewhere indescribable. I’d like to think I meant that much. The simple truth of the matter is that I was not that to you. You left a mark on me that I cannot erase; but I to you? Nothing.

Happy 4th Birthday!

Happy Birthday to all of us! Today (As I have just been notified) marks four whole years from the birth of this blog. That awful, cringy first post. We sure have come a long way. (Heck of a long way) So much as changed in four years. My writing has improved crazy amounts. My life is hurtling in an entirely different direction. I have new friends. I live in a different city. But here we are. Still here, alive and kicking so they say πŸ™‚

Still smiling…it wont hurt us πŸ™‚

P.S Here’s free cake to commemorate the moment πŸ˜‰

Home made party cupcake with a number candle on top