Flawed.

Flawed. Imperfect-not recently been struck to the ground 😉

I am flawed. Heavily so. My imperfections outweigh my quirks in (I assume) many peoples minds. A list of my flaws? I’m glad you asked. Lets go for a top 3. In no particular order.

  1. I am sarcastic. Dreadfully sarcastic to a degree that it comes across passive aggressive. Often people find it hard to know when I’m being sarcastic as I keep the same tone of voice. I have a dry sense of humour that comes out as sarcasm more often or not. Why is this a flaw? People don’t like being confused. And speaking to me can be confusing I guess when you can’t distinguish my intentions.
  2.  I am lazy. Now I’m sure by now you all realise this. How often do I actually put out content on this wonderful little blog? There is a lack of drive or motivation in me. It only visits in short, infrequent bursts which are never enough to get things done. When I have a long list of things to do I will procrastinate and pick something else that wasn’t even on the list to do;thus extending the list. Why is this a flaw? Isn’t it self explanatory? 😉 Laziness is not a trait of a successful woman.
  3. I lack confidence. Now this is one that has popped up recently. I thought that my confidence had improved lately. Not listening to what others said or thought about me was a goal of mine. I thought i’d achieved that but apparently not. Recently while speaking to a guy I was actually becoming interested in, he stated that I needed to be more confident. Apparently “within the first 15 minutes” of speaking to me he knew that I had low self esteem. Now firstly thanks for that! If I’m completely honest here that crushed me. It’s like being under Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak walking around only to find out that everyone can see you…and you forgot to put trousers on. Like ouch dude that hurt. Now context is everything and I don’t just want to be slating somebody on this blog. I’ve been speaking on and off with him for some time now. He makes me laugh…a lot. But he also infuriates me. He’s stubborn and sometimes impossible to talk to. Now he lives an hour away which is bad enough. But after I move on Monday the distance will be even greater. No I have never met this guy in real life (Oh the wonders of the internet) but there’s something about him that gets under my skin. And yes I guess this was the real inspiration for this post. As it is an indirect- direct rant at him.

So now we’re admitting it’s about him. I would just like to take a minute to highlight the freaking awesome things about me that would make anyone, never mind you sir, lucky to have me.

  • I’m hilarious.
  • I can write…pretty gosh dang okay if you ask me.
  • I care deeply. For people, animal and the world in general.
  • I’m stubborn. Which means that I stick to my morals.
  • I’m passionate.
  • I’m quirky/crazy/individual in a way that is purely essence of me.
  • I have the ability to not care what people think. (The only exception for this is when I like someone, so I guess jokes on you. You missed out there)
  • I’m creative.
  • I have a pretty awesome taste in music.
  • Ditto for films.
  • I’m intelligent.
  • I’m as loyal as they come.
  • And heck yeah I’m sensitive when people pick on my faults.
  • I’m Me.

So I’m sorry mysterious Tinder guy. I am completely and utterly faulted, but you aren’t as perfect as you think. I wish you all the best for the future, but I certainly wont be it.

 

Smile, don’t let them get you down, stand tall and remember it wont hurt you! 🙂 x

 

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Packing

I do not want to pack. I don’t want to accept that I’m moving. I don’t want to come to the realisation that I’m leaving behind my best friend. I don’t want to leave my parents. I don’t want to leave  my dog.

As much as I say I want to get out of this town, when compared to the big scary world, this little bubble is safe.

And so I am sat here. In a room that will soon no longer be mine. Writing this to procrastinate and block out the fact that those boxes are not going to pack themselves. Oh how I wish it was as simple as clicking my fingers. I wish I could wave my magic wand and everything will be done without too much thought. Thinking is the problem. Anything can be done easily when you refuse to think about it.

Put the thought from your mind and pack.

*Insert crying emoji*

(Must end positively -.-)

Smile…it wont hurt you.

One Week.

One week today I shall be moving out of my family home. One week. That’s seven days. 168 hours… Less than that now.

And guess what? Boxes lay on my bedroom floor. Empty boxes. No I have not finished packing. Of course, I haven’t even started! Whether it’s the procrastinator in me or the fear of leaving home stopping me, I’m not quite sure.

But I do need to pack. Because no matter how much I try to ignore it the plain and simple truth is that this time next week, all (Most) of my belongings shall be in an entirely new location. Heck by this time they may even be unpacked into my new room. Geez now that is scary. Shipped 1 hour and 43 minutes away from here. Away from this house that, after being here for 7 years, has become home.

Now moving out for anyone is a daunting experience, no doubt about that. If I was moving out to live alone maybe I would feel better. That would be manageable. But I most definitely will not be alone. I am being plunged into a building, riddled with countless perfect strangers. For I am not the only person for whom Monday the 19th of September will be a memorable day for. Hundreds of students and parents lives will alter, never to be quite the same again. In the same way that a broken mug that has been super-glued together again is never quite the same. Something, an intangible something, shifts ever so slightly. You can’t put your finger on what has changed, but everything feels different.

Children who are no longer children are left to fend for themselves for the first time, leaving nests empty. Thinking about it. It is the parents I feel the most pity for. They will return to their homes that are so familiar to them, just for everything to be different. Whether their child’s presence was a passive one or if they were the heart of the home. That home that parents spend 18 years building is torn. Now they have to learn to create a new family dynamic. Of course if younger siblings are left at home then the parents role continues. The gap is still there but a distraction is in place. However, for parents with only children or if it is their youngest child fleeing the nest, then that is when the tragedy occurs. What do the home-makers, the stay at home mums and dads do with all of their spare time? Sure they still have to care for themselves. They still have their daily deeds to complete. I imagine it is surprising the void that can be created by the lack of an extra mouth to feed. One less set of clothes to wash, person to speak to. Of course in today’s day and age communication is at an all time high. Never before has staying in contact been this simple. At the touch of a button conversations can be held face to face. (Or rather face to screen) The efficiency at which information can be transferred is incredible. Although I do fear for these parents, that their children having their taste for freedom and independence will become ‘too busy’ to touch base with them half as often as they should. I hope I am wrong. I have a feeling I am correct.

I pledge to disprove this theory. But I am young, flawed and terribly human. Forgive me in advance.

What an awfully big adventure these next three years shall be. I hope against hope that it lives up to my every expectation. Sadly in life, things rarely do.

Through it all I shall remember to smile…It wont hurt me. 🙂

 

My Future.

My future is uncertain.

Which is a funny thing to type as it seems obvious. Of course everyone’s futures are uncertain…aren’t they?

Well I used to believe that my life was leading me down a very specific path with an idea of exactly where i’d be in three years time. Now…I’m not so sure. Let me explain.

Thursday 18th august-Results day.

The day I had been alternately hoping for and dreading through this entire summer since my exams ended. The day that I would find out my fate. (Sounds dramatic I know, but it’s true.)

Way back in October last year I had applied for university to study either veterinary medicine or nursing. My application for medicine was declined by two unis. One university declined me for nursing too. I was beginning to lose hope when I was offered an interview to study Veterinary nursing. I went, it went great and finally I had my first and only offer. It was a conditional offer where by I had to complete two weeks work experience and gain A-Levels with a B in biology and two C’s.

Now when the day came I was apprehensive at best. Nerves and anxiety filled me. Waiting for my friend to pick me up so that we could collect out results together, I made a terrible decision. I checked UCAS for my fate. I hadn’t gotten in to my course. Which means that I hadn’t gotten the grades. A million things rushed through my head. I was gutted. Ashamed. Scared.Worried. And more but you get the point. I cried. A lot that day. I collected my results and it turns out that I got a B in English and a C in biology. Unfortunately I failed to get a grade in chemistry and got a U. So that explained the lack of uni place.

After many, many tears I eventually found a course that I wanted to study.

So I am now writing this to tell you come September I will not only be moving out and going to university but I will be studying Creative writing and Journalism at my original uni.

Now I began this post by stating that my future is uncertain. Which is certainly true. I always imagined my future doing a career based around animals. But now I truly believe everything happens for a reason and this is what was meant to be.

I am equal parts excited and terrified but it shall be an awfully big adventure. What should be, shall be.

Smile…It wont hurt you 🙂

 

Rain.

I want it to rain.

I want it to pour. For the heavens to open and release a thousand tiny bullets to rain down on me. 

I want thunder. The crash of the gods, screaming at my window.

I want it to cascade down on the rooftops so that the noise fills my head. Smashing down on the concrete with the power of an army. 

I want lightning. The sudden unexpected flash illuminating this dank room. Shining light on my world.

I want the pressure of suspense to suffocate me. Crush me until there is no oxygen left.

I want a storm.

Maybe then I’ll be free.
Smile…it won’t hurt you 🙂

Sonder

Sonder

(n)-The realisation that each random passer-by is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.

It is extreamly difficult in today’s age, when wrapped up in our own lives, to remember that every single person around you has a life much like your own. And similarly completely juxtaposed of your own. We each go through life experiencing struggles and complications. Whose to say that one persons problem is less than the next persons?

Lets think a minute about your life. How many times a day do you worry about your issues? A few? Hundreds? Thousands even, depending on your independent situation. How do your struggles make you feel? Exhausted, stressed, worried, angry, sad, the list is endless.

Now. How would you feel if I told you that everyone around you feels the same. Maybe not the exact emotions at the exact same time. But ones similar. Hey, sure there are equal amounts of people who are happy and content with life. However, allow me to introduce you to the roller-coaster that is life. It has its ups. It has its downs. It makes your heart pound and your stomach want to empty its contents. It is everything that is wonderful and equally what is horrendous. But here we are. Going through day by day on our journey of life.

If we all remember that then maybe we’d be able to shrug off the anger we feel because that woman just stole the last seat on the train. Or be able to forgive the couple in love when our life seems so empty and dismal.

We are but human after all. Faulted yes. But perfectly imperfect.

Smile…it wont hurt you 🙂