There seems to be a heaviness in my chest that comes to form whenever my mind wonders back to you. Why do we punish ourselves in this way? The past is indeed in the past so why can we never let it rest there? Why must we dredge up the memories from the depths of our minds. Re-run the classic films stored for lonely nights and nostalgic days.
Each scene a dramatic blow to my heart.
Each line a sharp jab to the stomach.
This is no longer an extravagant dance for two. No more toing and froing of moves between us. In the past you would make your move and I would counter it. Now I watch from behind a screen, on the peripheral of your life. No longer am I the centre of your attraction. I wait in the shadows and watch you interact with someone new. I am but a mere memory. The faintest hint of what might have been. An insignificant facet of your life, your past. A notch, not on the belt or bedpost but rather somewhere indescribable. I’d like to think I meant that much. The simple truth of the matter is that I was not that to you. You left a mark on me that I cannot erase; but I to you? Nothing.
The pressure was building. She felt it in her very core. It was as if she was shedding her skin in reverse with her innards pulsing outwards. It was inevitable. She would soon explode.
Her head snapped round, searching for the exit.
“No, not here!” She thought anxiously.
Sophia was in the middle of ‘The Diamond’ the local shopping mall. Men, women, children all going about their daily lives ignorant to the fact that if she didn’t get out of there, their mediocre lives would be finished. Knowing time was running out, Sophia began running straight ahead. Eyes scanning ferociously from side to side, desperate to get out of there. The people she passed gave her sceptical looks. In the way that people stare without starring. Out of the corner of their eyes. From behind menus, sunglasses and over the top of heads.
This was typical human behaviour. Disrespect disguised with politeness.
The race made the Omni outraged, but Sophia found them to be family. She finally felt she belonged. How on globe would she explain it to Gabe? He could never understand their complex ways. How a person could feel so many emotions simultaneously. How someone could feel so deeply.
The worst thing about being an Omni bomb?
The unexpected explosion.
And explode she did.
They all died. The humans at least.
Omni-1 : Humans-Obliteration.
Her eyes drifted absent-mindedly to the window. How free they look, she thought to herself. The local park was filling up and a small group of infants had formed. Gleeful cries filled the muggy air. Arms extended to the clouds. Smile larger than life. Not a shred of doubt, worry, stress. Nothing but pure, 100%, grade A euphoria. Here she was. Stuck inside. No future prospects or money. Uni had robbed her of that. Three years ago Joanna never dreamed that life would be this, well…shit. How she wished that she could be a child again. Back to the times before adulthood stole her freedom, time, looks and energy. Tiredness was all she knew now. It was as if life had physically drained her of her soul. A gaping hole took home in the cavity of her chest. Everything she used to take comfort and hope in now didn’t even come close to relieving the pain. Nothing could. One girl in particular caught her eye. She was different. Not generically different. Just different. She stood in the middle of the grass. Daises, blindingly white, brushed her feet. No. It wasn’t her that was different at all. It was the world around her. The air seemed to flow through her. Light emitted from her very being. As if she was nature personified. Perfection, if there was such a thing, she would be it. The other children carried on playing around her, absent to the fact that something very special was hidden deep inside. Something that would very shortly change the world as humanity knew it.
Thin streams of sunlight filtered down through the canopy. It was mid may and as you’d expect, it was hot. Not warm, hot. The sickly heat clung to you like an unrelenting toddler. Refusing to give you a minutes peace.
Here though, Joy could relax. The shade from the ancient oak gave her sanctuary. A brief escape, before she had to return to her classes. Opening her eyes she had to blink rapidly to remove the dancing spots from her vision. The lush green campus stretched out around her with the language department on her right, the cafeteria directly behind her and her halls of residence to her left.
Dean she thought lazily. They had been together all but three weeks and it was evident that the honeymoon period was still in full swing. Where is he? She mused, He should be here by now. Every Tuesday third period between English and lunch, they would meet to go over their assignments and grab a quick hazelnut latte at their favourite café “Give me Coffee!” It wasn’t a large-scale corporate business but it was special to them.
The tips of her fingers pressed hard to her temples. This build up of emotions was becoming too much. Soon she would be like a fiery gas ball and disappear into the depths of the universe. But for now she was here. And she had a job to do.
2.30am, the significance of this? There is none. It was simply the time she arose every morning to find him there. If there was one thing you could count on, it was his visits. Two eyes, charcoal black, pierced through her living room window.
As she reached out to unhook the catch, a cold wind swirled around her. She could feel the energy surge through her. It was him. This familiar feeling was welcomed. It gave her sanctuary. It was the release valve of the pressure. It was how she remained whole.
Everyday, as the sun begins its decent, something wonderful happens, A kind of magic that goes unnoticed from all but a select few, a heavenly glow illuminates the city. For that moment, it would seem that anything was possible.
Death, pollution, destruction. None of that matters.
All sadness and depression is lifted leaving way for happiness, hope, dreams…
Love. The one emotion that unites all humans together, the uppermost harmony, peace throughout the universe.
But only for that moment.
The soft sunlight slowly sets, once again eclipsing the city into darkness.
His face donned with a pitiful expression, the man sighs.
“I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do.”
Another sigh, a shake of his head and he’s sending her out of the door.
“we’ll see you in six months!”
No longer can she hold it in. The silent tears roll down her puffy cheeks, hot and heavy against her pale skin. Her mouth opens but the words cannot be formed for her mouth is much too dry.
In her head so many new questions swirl around like a puff of smoke. “why will no one help me?” “why does nobody understand?
At home the girl stands before the mirror. Make-up, her attempt to make herself feel better, is now running down her face and has pooled at the neck of her shirt. Without the highlights of foundation and blusher her face is hollow. Collar bones stick out from her neck, square bony shoulders, ribs that you can count. One, two three… Hip bones protruding from her shorts, thin bony legs, the muscles have lone been gone, broken down in a last attempt to keep her body running.
The voice. It’s here again. Of course it is. It never leaves just like an unwanted visiter.
“Fat. Look at that! Fat. Fat. Fat.”
The girl swallows.
“No!” she says out loud. “No I am not!”
Shaking now, every inch of her quivers.
The voice, it’s presence is fading, she can feel it. Then before she can exhale,
“No one will ever love you when you look like that.” The venom in it’s words still sting for a moment and then…
Sweet, blissful silence. Until tomorrow. Then it begins all over again.