A “Critical” Analysis

I have happened across what I can only describe as a “critical” analysis of my ‘trade mark’ quote-

Smile…It wont hurt you

I say “critical” but really I’m quite fond of it. The comment reads as follows:

Smile, cry, scowl, it does not matter. Feel what you must feel in the darkest of nights and the brightest of days because darkness helps us appreciate the light.

-Buttercup.

I would give comprehensive credit to the author of the comment but I’m unsure whether he would like that. This blog has always been anonymous and I would like it to remain that way.  If he reads this, He’ll know his own words. Thank you.

They mean a lot to me, not only for their origins but for their meanings too. I have no arguments against them and I believe rather than opposing my quote, they give it new depth. The comment highlights the importants of not repressing any emotion you may have. No matter the intensity, you should embrace any and all feelings you may have at all times. Never be afraid to feel. Emotions are one of the fundamental characteristics of being human. If you squash and ignore them, you are only ignoring your humanity. For a person that for a long time has tried to do the above, I know I will definitely be taking the advice on board. I plead you all (If you don’t already) do the same. For the sake of health and happiness.

But remember to still,

Smile…It wont hurt you 🙂

 

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The Final Night

18 years of junk-or as much as would fit into limited boxes-has been piled into the family car. I finally finished packing as the car was being loaded.

Tonight is my final night in my family home. As I type this my NSBFBF, or as I see her now, my sister is in the shower and I’m sprawled on what has became her bed. It’s funny how life changes. How relationships change. How people change.

In so many ways I think I’m nothing like the little girl I used to be. I’d like to think I’ve matured and grown into a better version of myself. In reality I’m still that scared little girl, afraid of the next chapter of her life.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thoroughly excited to begin the next chapter in this story called ‘My Life’ .  Truly I am. But when I step out of this house tomorrow, everything changes. I can’t even play the part of child or girl again. As much as my numerical age depicts that I am a woman, I don’t think I’ll actually feel it until I leave.

Woman…Adult. Such frightening nouns. How an it be that a simple string of letters makes me feel afraid? I do not wish to grow up. As much as I crave freedom and independence, surely life is so much simpler in the comfort of our own home?

I hope I like my new home. I hope I get along with my new neighbours. I hope I don’t lose this incredible friendship I have built with my best friend. I can’t bare to leave her, yet I must. How the heck am I going to survive without her? She is my rock. She is my own personal jester. No one I have ever met truly understands me like she does. And I don’t think they ever can, could or will.

 

Flawed.

Flawed. Imperfect-not recently been struck to the ground 😉

I am flawed. Heavily so. My imperfections outweigh my quirks in (I assume) many peoples minds. A list of my flaws? I’m glad you asked. Lets go for a top 3. In no particular order.

  1. I am sarcastic. Dreadfully sarcastic to a degree that it comes across passive aggressive. Often people find it hard to know when I’m being sarcastic as I keep the same tone of voice. I have a dry sense of humour that comes out as sarcasm more often or not. Why is this a flaw? People don’t like being confused. And speaking to me can be confusing I guess when you can’t distinguish my intentions.
  2.  I am lazy. Now I’m sure by now you all realise this. How often do I actually put out content on this wonderful little blog? There is a lack of drive or motivation in me. It only visits in short, infrequent bursts which are never enough to get things done. When I have a long list of things to do I will procrastinate and pick something else that wasn’t even on the list to do;thus extending the list. Why is this a flaw? Isn’t it self explanatory? 😉 Laziness is not a trait of a successful woman.
  3. I lack confidence. Now this is one that has popped up recently. I thought that my confidence had improved lately. Not listening to what others said or thought about me was a goal of mine. I thought i’d achieved that but apparently not. Recently while speaking to a guy I was actually becoming interested in, he stated that I needed to be more confident. Apparently “within the first 15 minutes” of speaking to me he knew that I had low self esteem. Now firstly thanks for that! If I’m completely honest here that crushed me. It’s like being under Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak walking around only to find out that everyone can see you…and you forgot to put trousers on. Like ouch dude that hurt. Now context is everything and I don’t just want to be slating somebody on this blog. I’ve been speaking on and off with him for some time now. He makes me laugh…a lot. But he also infuriates me. He’s stubborn and sometimes impossible to talk to. Now he lives an hour away which is bad enough. But after I move on Monday the distance will be even greater. No I have never met this guy in real life (Oh the wonders of the internet) but there’s something about him that gets under my skin. And yes I guess this was the real inspiration for this post. As it is an indirect- direct rant at him.

So now we’re admitting it’s about him. I would just like to take a minute to highlight the freaking awesome things about me that would make anyone, never mind you sir, lucky to have me.

  • I’m hilarious.
  • I can write…pretty gosh dang okay if you ask me.
  • I care deeply. For people, animal and the world in general.
  • I’m stubborn. Which means that I stick to my morals.
  • I’m passionate.
  • I’m quirky/crazy/individual in a way that is purely essence of me.
  • I have the ability to not care what people think. (The only exception for this is when I like someone, so I guess jokes on you. You missed out there)
  • I’m creative.
  • I have a pretty awesome taste in music.
  • Ditto for films.
  • I’m intelligent.
  • I’m as loyal as they come.
  • And heck yeah I’m sensitive when people pick on my faults.
  • I’m Me.

So I’m sorry mysterious Tinder guy. I am completely and utterly faulted, but you aren’t as perfect as you think. I wish you all the best for the future, but I certainly wont be it.

 

Smile, don’t let them get you down, stand tall and remember it wont hurt you! 🙂 x

 

Packing

I do not want to pack. I don’t want to accept that I’m moving. I don’t want to come to the realisation that I’m leaving behind my best friend. I don’t want to leave my parents. I don’t want to leave  my dog.

As much as I say I want to get out of this town, when compared to the big scary world, this little bubble is safe.

And so I am sat here. In a room that will soon no longer be mine. Writing this to procrastinate and block out the fact that those boxes are not going to pack themselves. Oh how I wish it was as simple as clicking my fingers. I wish I could wave my magic wand and everything will be done without too much thought. Thinking is the problem. Anything can be done easily when you refuse to think about it.

Put the thought from your mind and pack.

*Insert crying emoji*

(Must end positively -.-)

Smile…it wont hurt you.

One Week.

One week today I shall be moving out of my family home. One week. That’s seven days. 168 hours… Less than that now.

And guess what? Boxes lay on my bedroom floor. Empty boxes. No I have not finished packing. Of course, I haven’t even started! Whether it’s the procrastinator in me or the fear of leaving home stopping me, I’m not quite sure.

But I do need to pack. Because no matter how much I try to ignore it the plain and simple truth is that this time next week, all (Most) of my belongings shall be in an entirely new location. Heck by this time they may even be unpacked into my new room. Geez now that is scary. Shipped 1 hour and 43 minutes away from here. Away from this house that, after being here for 7 years, has become home.

Now moving out for anyone is a daunting experience, no doubt about that. If I was moving out to live alone maybe I would feel better. That would be manageable. But I most definitely will not be alone. I am being plunged into a building, riddled with countless perfect strangers. For I am not the only person for whom Monday the 19th of September will be a memorable day for. Hundreds of students and parents lives will alter, never to be quite the same again. In the same way that a broken mug that has been super-glued together again is never quite the same. Something, an intangible something, shifts ever so slightly. You can’t put your finger on what has changed, but everything feels different.

Children who are no longer children are left to fend for themselves for the first time, leaving nests empty. Thinking about it. It is the parents I feel the most pity for. They will return to their homes that are so familiar to them, just for everything to be different. Whether their child’s presence was a passive one or if they were the heart of the home. That home that parents spend 18 years building is torn. Now they have to learn to create a new family dynamic. Of course if younger siblings are left at home then the parents role continues. The gap is still there but a distraction is in place. However, for parents with only children or if it is their youngest child fleeing the nest, then that is when the tragedy occurs. What do the home-makers, the stay at home mums and dads do with all of their spare time? Sure they still have to care for themselves. They still have their daily deeds to complete. I imagine it is surprising the void that can be created by the lack of an extra mouth to feed. One less set of clothes to wash, person to speak to. Of course in today’s day and age communication is at an all time high. Never before has staying in contact been this simple. At the touch of a button conversations can be held face to face. (Or rather face to screen) The efficiency at which information can be transferred is incredible. Although I do fear for these parents, that their children having their taste for freedom and independence will become ‘too busy’ to touch base with them half as often as they should. I hope I am wrong. I have a feeling I am correct.

I pledge to disprove this theory. But I am young, flawed and terribly human. Forgive me in advance.

What an awfully big adventure these next three years shall be. I hope against hope that it lives up to my every expectation. Sadly in life, things rarely do.

Through it all I shall remember to smile…It wont hurt me. 🙂

 

My Future.

My future is uncertain.

Which is a funny thing to type as it seems obvious. Of course everyone’s futures are uncertain…aren’t they?

Well I used to believe that my life was leading me down a very specific path with an idea of exactly where i’d be in three years time. Now…I’m not so sure. Let me explain.

Thursday 18th august-Results day.

The day I had been alternately hoping for and dreading through this entire summer since my exams ended. The day that I would find out my fate. (Sounds dramatic I know, but it’s true.)

Way back in October last year I had applied for university to study either veterinary medicine or nursing. My application for medicine was declined by two unis. One university declined me for nursing too. I was beginning to lose hope when I was offered an interview to study Veterinary nursing. I went, it went great and finally I had my first and only offer. It was a conditional offer where by I had to complete two weeks work experience and gain A-Levels with a B in biology and two C’s.

Now when the day came I was apprehensive at best. Nerves and anxiety filled me. Waiting for my friend to pick me up so that we could collect out results together, I made a terrible decision. I checked UCAS for my fate. I hadn’t gotten in to my course. Which means that I hadn’t gotten the grades. A million things rushed through my head. I was gutted. Ashamed. Scared.Worried. And more but you get the point. I cried. A lot that day. I collected my results and it turns out that I got a B in English and a C in biology. Unfortunately I failed to get a grade in chemistry and got a U. So that explained the lack of uni place.

After many, many tears I eventually found a course that I wanted to study.

So I am now writing this to tell you come September I will not only be moving out and going to university but I will be studying Creative writing and Journalism at my original uni.

Now I began this post by stating that my future is uncertain. Which is certainly true. I always imagined my future doing a career based around animals. But now I truly believe everything happens for a reason and this is what was meant to be.

I am equal parts excited and terrified but it shall be an awfully big adventure. What should be, shall be.

Smile…It wont hurt you 🙂

 

A letter to myself-2016

Dear You,

So 2016 is here and its the year you’ve been dreaming of your entire life, because this year you (hopefully) go to university. Ever since you can remember all you’ve ever wanted to do in life is be a veterinarian.  Now we both know ideals have changed along the way and finally you understand what everybody meant when they warned:

“Vet?! You’ll have to work really hard to do that!”

This may be the most stressful time of your life so far but remember what a wise woman wrote to you:

“The harder the struggle, the more glorious the victory”

Keep this in mind as you go through the days. I’m so proud of you because you’ve made it this far. Gosh knows there were times you doubted that you could go on but you have through it all. No matter what you tell yourself sometimes, you are a strong person. You’ve just got to hang on in there a little longer.

This year you have goals to stick to so:

College/School

  1. Write up notes DAILY.
  2. Stay behind at least 2 nights a week.
  3. Revise thoroughly.
  4. Revise for your chemistry retake.

Life

  1. Try not to get too stressed. Yes its inevitable but breathe and remind yourself that this too shall pass.
  2. Vivet! Live for the moment. Once a moment is gone…its gone!
  3. Learn to love your whole self. In life the only person that will definitely be there until the end is you! When everyone else is gone it’s you there with your head. Try to get along 😉
  4. Smile and laugh everyday. Whether its a cheesy joke, friends or a cute picture, try to smile everyday because it definitely will not hurt you.
  5. Help your mother more silly. She does so much for you and you don’t want to look back and regret. In the end you’re going to regret the things you didn’t do more than the things you did.

Love

  1. For goodness sake MOVE ON from him. He has a girlfriend and is almost certainly never going to be yours.
  2. In fact just forget about love. You are so young and have the rest of your life to find someone and settle down. You don’t have to rush or worry about things that are out of your control. Focus on the things you can do something about.
  3. Finally focus on the amazing people who are already in your life! There are so many crazy awesome people that care for you so care for them more proactive-ly too!

Now don’t freak at this list of “resolutions” You have 12 months to master them. If they aren’t completed in that time then at least you’ve got the next 12 moths after that…and the ones after that until you die. This isn’t changing you its growing as a person. Growth never ends and there’s always room for improvement so never quit trying to be your best.

Smile…It wont hurt you. 🙂