A Reflection

Here I sit, nestled into a comfy arm chair-esk contraption, (Love seat I believe they’re called) laptop balanced on an unreliable metal tray table, various junk food piled at the side of me and a full bladder that I’m desperately trying to ignore.

As always with my writing on this blog, motivation comes when I have other priories I’m choosing to ignore. Currently that priority is a critical essay of a radio play I co-wrote and produced for my course. The due date is in a week, so I’ve plenty of time to write 1,500 words…right?

So here I am. The same place I’ve been for nearly six months now. University. That “Giant” leap I was terrified to take has actually turned out to be the best decision I’ve ever made. Now that I’m nearing the end of my first year (Boy has that gone fast!!) I feel it’s time to share with you my experience.

This year (That has not been an actual year) has been full of so many new experiences. I moved into a flat full of perfect strangers, of which are now three of my closest friends. I’ve met people who inspire me daily. Studying in London means that not only do I meet people from across this country but from all over the world. Italy, Norway, Portugal are but a few.

I’ve made friends, memories and mistakes but I wouldn’t change a thing. I am not the girl I used to be. Every day is moulding me into the future I want to become. Every person I meet teaches me things about myself and the world.

It’s been a steep learning curve moving out. Becoming self sufficient. Managing a budget. Laundry, cooking, organising myself. All of which I took for granted when it was my mum doing it all, but I’m so lucky to be living this life. I love my life. I love the city. I love caring for myself and standing up on my own two feet knowing that every day I get up and go about my life, I’m in control, I’m doing it by myself. All with a strong network of family and friends backing me yes, but its me.

Smile…It wont hurt you. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

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After the Credits

I returned to the place we shared our first date.

After all this time, it is not you that I hate.

I strolled along that picturesque bridge

And stared into the distance to the ridge.

I returned to the place you stole a kiss.

Iโ€™ll admit that is something I dearly miss.

Iโ€™d say it was the wind that brought tears to my eyes

But to you, my dear I could tell no lies.

I returned to this place to find my closure

The memories fill me, alas Iโ€™m no closer.

I know that itโ€™s over, I need to move on.

My heart longs to hold you but you are long gone.

A “Critical” Analysis

I have happened across what I can only describe as a “critical” analysis of my ‘trade mark’ quote-

Smile…It wont hurt you

I say “critical” but really I’m quite fond of it. The comment reads as follows:

Smile, cry, scowl, it does not matter. Feel what you must feel in the darkest of nights and the brightest of days because darkness helps us appreciate the light.

-Buttercup.

I would give comprehensive credit to the author of the comment but I’m unsure whether he would like that. This blog has always been anonymous and I would like it to remain that way. ย If he reads this, He’ll know his own words. Thank you.

They mean a lot to me, not only for their origins but for their meanings too. I have no arguments against them and I believe rather than opposing my quote, they give it new depth. The comment highlights the importants of not repressing any emotion you may have. No matter the intensity, you should embrace any and all feelings you may have at all times. Never be afraid to feel. Emotions are one of the fundamental characteristics of being human. If you squash and ignore them, you are only ignoring your humanity. For a person that for a long time has tried to do the above, I know I will definitely be taking the advice on board. I plead you all (If you don’t already) do the same. For the sake of health and happiness.

But remember to still,

Smile…It wont hurt you ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Fiction

There seems to be a heaviness in my chest that comes to form whenever my mind wonders back to you. Why do we punish ourselves in this way? The past is indeed in the past so why can we never let it rest there? Why must we dredge up the memories from the depths of our minds. Re-run the classic films stored for lonely nights and nostalgic days.

Each scene a dramatic blow to my heart.

Each line a sharp jab to the stomach.

This is no longer an extravagant dance for two. No more toing and froing of moves between us. In the past you would make your move and I would counter it. Now I watch from behind a screen, on the peripheral of your life. No longer am I the centre of your attraction. I wait in the shadows and watch you interact with someone new. I am but a mere memory. The faintest hint of what might have been. An insignificant facet of your life, your past. A notch, not on the belt or bedpost but rather somewhere indescribable. Iโ€™d like to think I meant that much. The simple truth of the matter is that I was not that to you. You left a mark on me that I cannot erase; but I to you? Nothing.

Flawed.

Flawed. Imperfect-not recently been struck to the ground ๐Ÿ˜‰

I am flawed. Heavily so. My imperfections outweigh my quirks in (I assume) many peoples minds. A list of my flaws? I’m glad you asked. Lets go for a top 3. In no particular order.

  1. I am sarcastic. Dreadfully sarcastic to a degree that it comes across passive aggressive. Often people find it hard to know when I’m being sarcastic as I keep the same tone of voice. I have a dry sense of humour that comes out as sarcasm more often or not. Why is this a flaw? People don’t like being confused. And speaking to me can be confusing I guess when you can’t distinguish my intentions.
  2. ย I am lazy. Now I’m sure by now you all realise this. How often do I actually put out content on this wonderful little blog? There is a lack of drive or motivation in me. It only visits in short, infrequent bursts which are never enough to get things done. When I have a long list of things to do I will procrastinate and pick something else that wasn’t even on the list to do;thus extending the list. Why is this a flaw? Isn’t it self explanatory? ๐Ÿ˜‰ Laziness is not a trait of a successful woman.
  3. I lack confidence. Now this is one that has popped up recently. I thoughtย that my confidence had improved lately. Not listening to what others said or thought about me was a goal of mine. I thought i’d achieved that but apparently not. Recently while speaking to a guy I was actually becoming interested in, he stated that I needed to be more confident. Apparently “within the first 15 minutes” of speaking to me he knew that I had low self esteem. Now firstly thanks for that! If I’m completely honest here that crushed me. It’s like being under Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak walking around only to find out that everyone can see you…and you forgot to put trousers on. Like ouch dude that hurt. Now context is everything and I don’t just want to be slating somebody on this blog. I’ve been speaking on and off with him for some time now. He makes me laugh…a lot. But he also infuriates me. He’s stubborn and sometimes impossible to talk to. Now he lives an hour away which is bad enough. But after I move on Monday the distance will be even greater. No I have never met this guy in real life (Oh the wonders of the internet) but there’s something about him that gets under my skin. And yes I guess this was the real inspiration for this post. As it is an indirect- direct rant at him.

So now we’re admitting it’s about him. I would just like to take a minute to highlight the freaking awesome things about me that would make anyone, never mind you sir, lucky to have me.

  • I’m hilarious.
  • I can write…pretty gosh dang okay if you ask me.
  • I care deeply. For people, animal and the world in general.
  • I’m stubborn. Which means that I stick to my morals.
  • I’m passionate.
  • I’m quirky/crazy/individual in a way that is purely essence of me.
  • I have the ability to not care what people think. (The only exception for this is when I like someone, so I guess jokes on you. You missed out there)
  • I’m creative.
  • I have a pretty awesome taste in music.
  • Ditto for films.
  • I’m intelligent.
  • I’m as loyal as they come.
  • And heck yeah I’m sensitive when people pick on my faults.
  • I’m Me.

So I’m sorry mysterious Tinder guy. I am completely and utterly faulted, but you aren’t as perfect as you think. I wish you all the best for the future, but I certainly wont be it.

 

Smile, don’t let them get you down, stand tall and remember it wont hurt you! ๐Ÿ™‚ x

 

One Week.

One week today I shall be moving out of my family home. One week. That’s seven days. 168 hours… Less than that now.

And guess what? Boxes lay on my bedroom floor. Empty boxes. No I have not finished packing. Of course, I haven’t even started! Whether it’s the procrastinator in me or the fear of leaving home stopping me, I’m not quite sure.

But I do need to pack. Because no matter how much I try to ignore it the plain and simple truth is that this time next week, all (Most) of my belongings shall be in an entirely new location. Heck by this time they may even be unpacked into my new room. Geez now that is scary. Shipped 1 hour and 43 minutes away from here. Away from this house that, after being here for 7 years, has become home.

Now moving out for anyone is a daunting experience, no doubt about that. If I was moving out to live alone maybe I would feel better. That would be manageable. But I most definitely will not be alone. I am being plunged into a building, riddled with countless perfect strangers. For I am not the only person for whom Monday the 19th of September will be a memorable day for. Hundreds of students and parents lives will alter, never to be quite the same again. In the same way that a broken mug that has been super-glued together again is never quite the same. Something, an intangible something, shifts ever so slightly. You can’t put your finger on what has changed, but everything feels different.

Children who are no longer children are left to fend for themselves for the first time, leaving nests empty. Thinking about it. It is the parents I feel the most pity for. They will return to their homes that are so familiar to them, just for everything to be different. Whether their child’s presence was a passive one or if they were the heart of the home. That home that parents spend 18 years building is torn. Now they have to learn to create a new family dynamic. Of course if younger siblings are left at home then the parents role continues. The gap is still there but a distraction is in place. However, for parents with only children or if it is their youngest child fleeing the nest, then that is when the tragedy occurs. What do the home-makers, the stay at home mums and dads do with all of their spare time? Sure they still have to care for themselves. They still have their daily deeds to complete. I imagine it is surprising the void that can be created by the lack of an extra mouth to feed. One less set of clothes to wash, person to speak to. Of course in today’s day and age communication is at an all time high. Never before has staying in contact been this simple. At the touch of a button conversations can be held face to face. (Or rather face to screen) The efficiency at which information can be transferred is incredible. Although I do fear for these parents, that their children having their taste for freedom and independence will become ‘too busy’ to touch base with them half as often as they should. I hope I am wrong. I have a feeling I am correct.

I pledge to disprove this theory. But I am young, flawed and terribly human. Forgive me in advance.

What an awfully big adventure these next three years shall be. I hope against hope that it lives up to my every expectation. Sadly in life, things rarely do.

Through it all I shall remember to smile…It wont hurt me. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Rain.

I want it to rain.

I want it to pour. For the heavens to open and release a thousand tiny bullets to rain down on me. 

I want thunder. The crash of the gods, screaming at my window.

I want it to cascade down on the rooftops so that the noise fills my head. Smashing down on the concrete with the power of an army. 

I want lightning. The sudden unexpected flash illuminating this dank room. Shining light on my world.

I want the pressure of suspense to suffocate me. Crush me until there is no oxygen left.

I want a storm.

Maybe then I’ll be free.
Smile…it won’t hurt you ๐Ÿ™‚