Fiction

There seems to be a heaviness in my chest that comes to form whenever my mind wonders back to you. Why do we punish ourselves in this way? The past is indeed in the past so why can we never let it rest there? Why must we dredge up the memories from the depths of our minds. Re-run the classic films stored for lonely nights and nostalgic days.

Each scene a dramatic blow to my heart.

Each line a sharp jab to the stomach.

This is no longer an extravagant dance for two. No more toing and froing of moves between us. In the past you would make your move and I would counter it. Now I watch from behind a screen, on the peripheral of your life. No longer am I the centre of your attraction. I wait in the shadows and watch you interact with someone new. I am but a mere memory. The faintest hint of what might have been. An insignificant facet of your life, your past. A notch, not on the belt or bedpost but rather somewhere indescribable. Iโ€™d like to think I meant that much. The simple truth of the matter is that I was not that to you. You left a mark on me that I cannot erase; but I to you? Nothing.

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Flawed.

Flawed. Imperfect-not recently been struck to the ground ๐Ÿ˜‰

I am flawed. Heavily so. My imperfections outweigh my quirks in (I assume) many peoples minds. A list of my flaws? I’m glad you asked. Lets go for a top 3. In no particular order.

  1. I am sarcastic. Dreadfully sarcastic to a degree that it comes across passive aggressive. Often people find it hard to know when I’m being sarcastic as I keep the same tone of voice. I have a dry sense of humour that comes out as sarcasm more often or not. Why is this a flaw? People don’t like being confused. And speaking to me can be confusing I guess when you can’t distinguish my intentions.
  2. ย I am lazy. Now I’m sure by now you all realise this. How often do I actually put out content on this wonderful little blog? There is a lack of drive or motivation in me. It only visits in short, infrequent bursts which are never enough to get things done. When I have a long list of things to do I will procrastinate and pick something else that wasn’t even on the list to do;thus extending the list. Why is this a flaw? Isn’t it self explanatory? ๐Ÿ˜‰ Laziness is not a trait of a successful woman.
  3. I lack confidence. Now this is one that has popped up recently. I thoughtย that my confidence had improved lately. Not listening to what others said or thought about me was a goal of mine. I thought i’d achieved that but apparently not. Recently while speaking to a guy I was actually becoming interested in, he stated that I needed to be more confident. Apparently “within the first 15 minutes” of speaking to me he knew that I had low self esteem. Now firstly thanks for that! If I’m completely honest here that crushed me. It’s like being under Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak walking around only to find out that everyone can see you…and you forgot to put trousers on. Like ouch dude that hurt. Now context is everything and I don’t just want to be slating somebody on this blog. I’ve been speaking on and off with him for some time now. He makes me laugh…a lot. But he also infuriates me. He’s stubborn and sometimes impossible to talk to. Now he lives an hour away which is bad enough. But after I move on Monday the distance will be even greater. No I have never met this guy in real life (Oh the wonders of the internet) but there’s something about him that gets under my skin. And yes I guess this was the real inspiration for this post. As it is an indirect- direct rant at him.

So now we’re admitting it’s about him. I would just like to take a minute to highlight the freaking awesome things about me that would make anyone, never mind you sir, lucky to have me.

  • I’m hilarious.
  • I can write…pretty gosh dang okay if you ask me.
  • I care deeply. For people, animal and the world in general.
  • I’m stubborn. Which means that I stick to my morals.
  • I’m passionate.
  • I’m quirky/crazy/individual in a way that is purely essence of me.
  • I have the ability to not care what people think. (The only exception for this is when I like someone, so I guess jokes on you. You missed out there)
  • I’m creative.
  • I have a pretty awesome taste in music.
  • Ditto for films.
  • I’m intelligent.
  • I’m as loyal as they come.
  • And heck yeah I’m sensitive when people pick on my faults.
  • I’m Me.

So I’m sorry mysterious Tinder guy. I am completely and utterly faulted, but you aren’t as perfect as you think. I wish you all the best for the future, but I certainly wont be it.

 

Smile, don’t let them get you down, stand tall and remember it wont hurt you! ๐Ÿ™‚ x

 

Rain.

I want it to rain.

I want it to pour. For the heavens to open and release a thousand tiny bullets to rain down on me. 

I want thunder. The crash of the gods, screaming at my window.

I want it to cascade down on the rooftops so that the noise fills my head. Smashing down on the concrete with the power of an army. 

I want lightning. The sudden unexpected flash illuminating this dank room. Shining light on my world.

I want the pressure of suspense to suffocate me. Crush me until there is no oxygen left.

I want a storm.

Maybe then I’ll be free.
Smile…it won’t hurt you ๐Ÿ™‚

Sonder

Sonder

(n)-The realisation thatย each random passer-by is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.

It is extreamly difficult in today’s age, when wrapped up in our own lives, to remember that every single person around you has a life much like your own. And similarly completely juxtaposed of your own. We each go through life experiencing struggles and complications. Whose to say that one persons problem is less than the next persons?

Lets think a minute about your life. How many times a day do you worry about your issues? A few? Hundreds? Thousands even, depending on your independent situation. How do your struggles make you feel? Exhausted, stressed, worried, angry, sad, the list is endless.

Now. How would you feel if I told you that everyone around you feels the same. Maybe not the exact emotions at the exact same time. But ones similar. Hey, sure there are equal amounts of people who are happy and content with life. However, allow me to introduce you to the roller-coaster that is life. It has its ups. It has its downs. It makes your heart pound and your stomach want to empty its contents. It is everything that is wonderful and equally what is horrendous. But here we are. Going through day by day on our journey of life.

If we all remember that then maybe we’d be able to shrug off the anger we feel because that woman just stole the last seat on the train. Or be able to forgive the couple in love when our life seems so empty and dismal.

We are but human after all. Faulted yes. But perfectly imperfect.

Smile…it wont hurt you ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Click.Breathe.Write.-Yet another procrastination edition.

Her eyes drifted absent-mindedly to the window. How free they look, she thought to herself. The local park was filling up and a small group of infants had formed. Gleeful cries filled the muggy air. Arms extended to the clouds. Smile larger than life. Not a shred of doubt, worry, stress. Nothing but pure, 100%, grade A euphoria. Here she was. Stuck inside. No future prospects or money. Uni had robbed her of that. Three years ago Joanna never dreamed that life would be this, well…shit. How she wished that she could be a child again. Back to the times before adulthood stole her freedom, time, looks and energy. Tiredness was all she knew now. It was as if life had physically drained her of her soul. A gaping hole took home in the cavity of her chest. Everything she used to take comfort and hope in now didn’t even come close to relieving the pain. Nothing could. One girl in particular caught her eye. She was different. Not generically different. Just different. She stood in the middle of the grass. Daises, blindingly white, brushed her feet. No. It wasn’t her that was different at all. It was the world around her. The air seemed to flow through her. Light emitted from her very being. As if she was nature personified. Perfection, if there was such a thing, she would be it. The other children carried on playing around her, absent to the fact that something very special was hidden deep inside. Something that would very shortly change the world as humanity knew it.

The Question

The title of this posts makes it seem like I’m going to be discussing philosophical questions…this however is not the case.

I am currently pondering the question:

“Should I or should I not text him?”

Now usually if someone asked me this I’d immediately respond with well of course, if you want to speak to someone then just speak to them. You shouldn’t have to wait for someone to message you first if you really want to talk. Butย I don’t really think my situation is typical/normal (yes I know that’s what everyone says but if you only knew) and besides the way our last conversation ended wasn’t too great.

So yes, I’m sulking, drowning my sorrows in Disney movies and fluffy cosy socks. I shall not succumb to my desires. I know it just ends up with me worse off in the end.

I’d like to say I’ll do things differently next year but I can almost guarantee I’ll be sat her in a year still hopelessly in love with a guy that couldn’t care less. (Excuse the melodrama ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

Smile…It wont hurt you ๐Ÿ™‚

Kindly remove yourself from my mind

There’s a guy.

Not just any guy, the guy. The same one that’s always there, refusing to move or relocate. Forever persisting, never relinquishing.

I should explain. So for a while now I’ve liked this guy. (soppy teenage girl bull and all that -.-) I guess you could call it more of an obsession, which is disturbingly un-natural.

He decides to pop into my head at random intervals everyday. There is no break or time to breath. Flashbacks are frequent in my mind of times and memories I have with him. Constant ‘what ifs?’ and endless daydreams flood my imagination. Containing him confessing his love and our fairytale future, the whole package trust me.

It makes me sick. I never thought I’d be this kind of girl and to the world I’m not. it’s all just stuck inside my head 24/7 which probably makes it worse. So here it is. My confession if you will.

I think I may love him.

Which is gosh awful, and from this onwards I have decided to vow to remove him from my mind. I’m sick and tired of always making the effort. I care too much and I’m the one that’s paying for it. I was happy before and I can sure to hell be happy after.

Distance and time both are said to be good healers. Lets hope so. A clean severed cavity cut out of my chest. He needs to be gone.

I need to let go of childhood dreams of happily ever afters and prince charming riding up to rescue me. The truth is no one is coming. I am my own prince and I need to start acting like it.

Smile…it wont hurt you ๐Ÿ™‚

P.S This was written a few weeks ago. ๐Ÿ™‚